performance at butter factory was a bad and good experience for me.. many things happened and it seriously hit some thots into this useless brain of mine.. firstly is the issue of.. do i deserve to be called "a dancer"? i haven't been dancing ever since chingay pulse.. and of cos my skills have drop drastically.. my injury has been acting up and i've been overly boozing during my holidays.. it affects my health and my body is starting to show signs of breaking down..

initially when i stop dancing was due to my right ankle injury al thanks to chingay pulse.. after i recovered, things was worsen by whosgoing.. i shouldnt have even joined them in the first place.. initially i joined for fun and not for the parties.. but it has eventually stopped me from being who i am.. i've lost myself in whosgoing.. i'm no longer the cheerful happy iko.. i'm no longer the non-alcoholic iko.. i smoke more and got myself involve in complicated BGRs.. it's scary how one wrong step can change u..

the second thing that hit me after the performance was due to al the cock up of that day, is that.. a dancer have to be flexible in all kind of genre.. i can do hiphop.. but i can do nothing else.. jazz, ballet, contemporary.. al is a nono for me.. i cant even freestyle properly on my own.. how do i deserve to be call "a dancer"? sigh~ lookin at the rest of lush definitely made me felt both ways too.. i felt good cos i noe i'm not alone.. these are my crew members that move with me.. smile and cry with me going thru al the tough trainings with me..

i felt bad.. cos i noe i will pull them down.. LUSH is a crew that's very well known.. but i DO NOT wan to affect anything.. i dun wanna throw lush's face and myself.. ive slowed down the progress during every practice and i cant contribute any choreographys at all.. but of cos they did not complain.. instead, they cheered me on.. i cried, they were there.. just the nice words and hugs.. on stage, whenever i go wrong, they'll go "it's ok iko juz enjoy!" i noe these are words of console but they definitely made me felt so much better..

thus i felt that i'm very lucky to have them to fight with me.. a true dancer.. need to be able to do everything.. professionalism is something i need to learn.. i was very affected by some personal stuff on butter factory day and i chose not to perform for the 2nd item *sorry guys* i noe i shouldnt have let it affect my performance but i'm still learning to control my emotions.. i need time to be professional and yet to balance up with human factors.. in the past, i was overly professional in UAN and ended up many ppl were afraid to work with me.. sigh~ now i guess i've toned down too much..

who'll teach me how to balance life.. who'll teach me how to be a better dancer?
i wanna noe..

Chingay Pulse hiphop competition 2007.. Lush clinch 2nd runner up this time round.. congrats.. but still i feel we didnt give our best.. or at least, i didnt give my best.. it's terrible.. the hot weather.. the last minute technical fault.. the last min everything.. but somehow somewhat.. i thank god we can still get a 2nd runner up.. it feels wonderful to win something in a comp especially with Lush.. but somehow, i feel it's obviously a bias comp.. streetsoulz didnt win, SFB didnt win, Fbodz didnt win.. wat?! it's shocking to know this crazy fact.. and some sexually aplicit ppl won?! wat else can we say other thn keep shut? not onli i feel that way.. many others does.. hais.. but somehow, i'm glad to receive good comments from the audience and fellow dancers =) when street soulz comment to hakim that "i still feel u al shud win" i was very happy.. it indeed is a big encouragement from ppl i look up to.. =) but it's ok.. at least we Lush manage to squeeze into top 3 and do tha name proud.. this is wat we're all about.. this is wat i wan to say to the bias ppl out there.. and of cos proving to that particular person who look down on me times and times again.. i AM a dancer who dances to the right rhythm and tunes.. dun try to bring me down.. cos i have many ppl who'll help me back up on my feet.. Lush.. i truly thank god for them.. i was lucky to be in lush.. i thank mazlan for gettin us in.. i thank tapa, hakim, dee, mel and everyone else for helping this weak dancer like me.. i promise i'll work much harder and prove that i can be a great dancer too.. i'll prove to the world that hard work can exceed talent too.. lastly.. Congrats to Lush and myself for this big step..

Have been feeling very messed up recently.. it's like.. one side of me telling me "iko come home (church)!!" the other side is "YMM(my home church) is so early.." and worst is.. i dunno where to start.. to go back to YMM? or to start planting myself in another church.. a new environment, a new home.. but be it both ways.. it's hard.. to go back to my church.. when almost al my frens had left, when my pastors had left.. to go to a new church where i noe no one, where i have to learn their culture al over again.. what should i do? the drive of goin back "home" is very strong in me.. but i dun wan anymore of back sliding after i go back.. thus it'll be a very hard step for me to take.. my studies is going down the slope =( calculated my GPA for current situations.. and i fail almost all of my modules.. not as if fail but it's a conditional pass.. which is a no good for me.. i must minimum get a 2 for al my modules.. if not i think i'll have a hard time in my yr 2 next year.. i've taken this week as a "recovery" week for my studies.. trying hard not to skip sch for this week and as well as practising my dance item with lush for the finals this sun.. indeed it's hard to be a gd student and a dancer at the same time.. the year i enjoyed the most was in 2005 when i wasn't a student (cos i was waiting to retake my o lvl) and i purely danced for that full year.. it's great.. but i felt lifeless.. because i felt that i aint normal.. i wan to lead a life like a ordinary youngsters.. goin to poly, hanging out with frens go for my passion.. but to get al these a balance.. it's hard.. i've even given up on sports.. i'm not particularly good at sports nor am i super enthu in sports.. but at least those made me felt more liven up.. my life now is as rotten as the rubbish chute.. with imbalance time of sleep.. imbalance time of dance practises, imbalance time of studies.. needless to say.. i hardly hang out with my frens.. what am i doin now? slacking my life off? being a useless bum for the rest of my life? oh gosh.. how am i gonna clear up this mess? my church.. my life.. my sch.. my dance.. my frens.. they build me up.. pls dun let them be the ones that tears me down as well..

i truly pray and seek god's way for me.. god's planned path for me.. the guidiance of the holy spirit and the light to my future..

-i feel so dried up-

finally.. my hardwork, tears and sweat had been paid off.. and finally.. my first competition with lush.. is over.. ok not exactly ok.. but the prelims is over.. chingay 2007 pulse hiphop finals.. here we come.. the day was good.. initially was rather tired and worried bout some stuff that happened to ash.. but thank god so much that everything went very well and things turn out so fine.. the competition was held at Yio chu kang CC.. competing with great crews like SFB, Street Soulz and many others.. i had a prayer sincerely form my heart before our item.. all of us prayed to our individual God.. in unity that is.. even in different religion, we prayed and stand in unity for the one very sincere prayers from our heart, "a good show for everyone".. and yes.. god answered them.. even with little little accidents here and there, we manage to get thru to the chingay finals..

it's gonna be my very first comp with lush.. and it's a big one.. nothing lousy.. nothing bad.. a big and grand event everyone in the dance scene is looking forward to.. a event where every dancers sweat and cry over.. ya, true enough alot of us got injured.. but i can only say it's all worth it.. i'm so proud of everyone including myself.. from the videos.. i', still not as good on my stage presence.. but yet again.. i did improve.. i cant wait to show the world our video.. even thou i'm the weakest in the team, i will work harder to not pull lush down and be someone who fit to be in lush.. like wat patrick say "don't be the weakest one in the team.." i know am the weakest at this point of time.. but trust me.. i'll leave this spot soon.. i'll make my way up the ladder to be at the same level with the others.. i'll not let anyone that have hope in me down..

God has open this path for me.. now it's my turn to show to everyone what i can do.. i sincerely thank God so much.. so much that i dunno what to say or do.. i thank everyone that have been helping me and supporting me, be it physically or mentally.. my bf, my mum, my frens.. and of cos my crew.. it's their every word that touched me and made me want to work harder.. my mum.. even thou she doesnt say.. she cares so much for me.. knowing that i injured my ankle, she rubbed it for me early in the morning before she went to work.. my bf.. even thou he didnt show much care in it cos he's busy, i noe he care alot for me.. worrying i might be too tired.. worried i might injured my ankle and made it worst..

my frens.. who tried to come even thou there's o level.. thou she didnt come.. but the support, the love.. the rememberance is felt.. thanks emi =) i'll pray for ur o lvl.. dun worry.. god'll help.. my crew VIP.. thou they werent there. but deep down i noe they care and wish so much for us to get into the finals.. my crew lush.. needless to say.. you guys are the best for supporting me and pushing me hard enough so i'll improve.. owe a big big thanks to lush.. without them.. i might not have this happy day in my entire life.. without them, i might not even step out of my comfort zone and whack so hard on myself to push me further..

lastly, congrats to all who got into the finals and all the best to all other dancers who are gonna work harder and to everyone who's having o levels..

-God bless-

It the very first time i endure such pain while dancing.. i guess it's when u've reach the point where u reali reali wan to improve so badly and wish to surpass ur own limit and improve, this feeling is felt.. to dance in pain.. is torturous.. because u cant even enjoy the music.. in my head is al "ouch" but i went on with it.. i didnt want to stop because i didnt wan to let anyone down especially myself.. i wan to provee to everyone who look down on my and laughed at me.. that I can dance.. even though i look funny even thou i dun have the accent.. even thou i cant groove as naturally as any other dancers can.. but my hard work wil show it all.. a gd dancer is one with passion and hardwork.. talents are just pure bonus.. but hard work is the key.. it's gd when everyone cares.. but it's best when they let me stand up on my own.. cos that's how i improve and be stronger.. it's when u're out of breath and keep on dancing, pushing yourself.. that's makes u improve and better.. when i was dancing, i felt the breeze from the movements.. it feels good.. cos onli dancers can feel this feeling.. the satisfaction of your own achievement.. the satisfaction of the results of all the practices.. it makes me happy.. i pray that tml's competition will be a gd and smooth one.. may god help me.. cease my pain for that 5min onstage tml.. so that i can give my all and no accident will happen.. i dun wish to regret any freaking outs anymore..

ok i'm juz super super bored.. so here i am to do this poll.. hehe~ guess not much reply wil be receive =X anyway enjoy~

Poll #854234 Naruto Guys
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 0

Which Naruto male character is the most attractive?

came sch at 2nd meeting and here i am slacking away.. =\ didnt do any work at all anyway =X dinie and irwan did them all.. guess i'll get a D today =( and mr faizal didnt come as well.. so got a new faci.. dun even noe who she is =X haha~ am very very tired.. omg~ decided to start this livejournal thing for fun since i got nothing to do lol =X lalala~